Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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