Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I am midnight drunk by noon
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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