someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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