Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
