Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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