oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
there is another microwave in the elevator.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
