Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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