I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize