'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
