Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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