NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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