Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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