Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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