I wanna passion pit in your ass
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
