If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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