eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
