sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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