onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
