Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize