Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
