Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I think my moral compass just broke
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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