i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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