I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize