I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
now i know why i became what i already was.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
