So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
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