seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
