my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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