i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
false alarm. still invincible.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Randomize
