I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
