Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
