i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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