I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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