Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
