Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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