i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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