I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
