I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
