With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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