Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
