i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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