I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
