This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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