You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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