i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
