i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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