You made me cry and you don't even care
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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