he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
