and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
