Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just want nice things and good sex
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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