Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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