im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
