watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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