my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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