My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
