So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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