He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
